Winter Weather

Contrary to potential appearances, this post is not about recent temperatures or precipitation. As Daniel and I were driving home to Liberal from my parents' house yesterday, about 20 minutes in Daniel looked at me and said, "Your weather is changing. You're getting all cloudy and stormy." And I was. I had noticed that morning that for some reason I just wasn't as happy as usual. Then, once we got in the car and on the road, I stared out the window and hardly said a word. I felt this overwhelming sense of dread. I'd had such a good time seeing all our family and a few close friends... we realized how much we missed them all, and that made it a lot harder to go back to being very far away. Similarly, it was wonderful to have some time to relax and recuperate from teaching. Both Daniel and I noticed a huge difference in my level of stress and my loving-ness towards him and in general. I did't want to go back to being tired and stressed and cranky at my husband all the time!

But, tried as I might to mentally put off our return to "real life", it didn't work (surprise surprise). The car kept going west, and that stack of papers and gaggle of beautiful, needy children kept getting closer and closer.

Suddenly, Daniel said, "Hey, did you see that?" I shook my head. "It was a hawk of some kind -- it was flying into the wind, but it wasn't moving forward at all!"  Instantly I thought, That's me!! That's my students! I struggle so hard, flap my wings so much, and we never seem to get ANYWHERE! I wallowed in that for a little bit before Daniel apparently got tired of waiting for me to speak and turned on the radio. I resolved to ignore it... but that wasn't the plan for me that day. I found myself listening deeply to the lyrics of the song that "happened" to come on:

Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it's more than you can take

But you are stronger, stronger than you know

Don't you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

Wow! Ouchies, God! You mean I should stop feeling sorry for myself as if my life is horrible? You mean I can do more than I think I can? You mean you'll give me strength to face the clouds and find the silver lining? Oh, right. I knew that. I was just being a silly mopey-face.

At that point I decided to just cry for a little bit. After I had calmed down a bit and let go of my crankiness, I figured that a better approach to my impending return to school was to plan out my second semester (rather than griping about it). So I spent the next hour and a half pacing out the next three months in my classroom. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I'm feeling a little procrastinatory again this morning... but I here publicly affirm my resolution to NOT be a weepy mopey-face all the time and to FIND a way to keep facing the clouds, because the silver lining (aka the few kids I do really reach and connect with) is worth the bumps. And that's why teachers teach -- is to have those moments where you can tell that what you're doing is working and that you are able to make a positive impact on (at least some of) your kids.

Here we go. Round Two: Begin!


~Rebekah