Autumn

The fall chill is WONDERFUL. I definitely am a Minnesotan -- feeling a slight chill, then pulling on a warm flannel shirt is quite a lovely feeling. Riding bike in the cool air in sweatpants and a t-shirt... where a little sweat, a little chill, and a little heat are all dancing around each other... mixing to form an all around sense of peace, enjoyment, and well being.

Yesterday was awesome, and exemplified what's awesome about being "stuck" down here in Kansas with Rebekah teaching... having the time to be learning and growing, independently and in community, through study and conversation.

• Church:
• Church was powerful and has me really thinking about how I can do the Great Commission (i.e. spreading the Gospel) even in the presence of my substantial aforementioned questions/doubts/unresolved things.
• Got to pray for Neighbor Friend who for the first time in 10 years, by coming to church, is now able to be open about a deep longing for and belief in God that she has felt ridiculed for by others. 
• Had lunch with a few Church folks, got to talking deeply about the state of the church, the hearts of its members, God's work therein, etc.
• Went to the Church's budget meeting, learned more about its workings.
• Got to continue a discussion with Molly, a friend of mine from Southwest Christian HS, about what the Bible has to say about money and possessions and what the goal of life and action is.
• Got to continue studying Quantitative Methods in Economics.
• I want to tell readerfolks about something I just found: It's called Open Course Ware. (OCW)  There's a page called ocwconsortium.org, where you can search for and link to courses from 62 universities, including MIT and Notre Dame. Also, Yale does OCW also, but not through the "consortium". OCW is pretty cool for those of us who want to keep studying but not currently through a university. No credit, just learning, but still cool.
• Got to talk to Bethany and Brendan, along with Rebekah and I, are in a "Homework Club". We miss the homework and feedback of college, so we've created a shared DropBox folder where we put documents that we want feedback on. So last night Bethany and Brendan went through their comments to me on a paper/sermonette I am writing, and then Brendan (an agnostic) wanted to learn about why I believe in God, so we started talking about it. The Homework Club is starting to do its thing, which is pretty fun.

So I realized the other day that we had been (even including this post) blogging with a significant selective bias, notably, a positive one. For me at least, this is partially with the semi-conscious goal of allaying the worries of loved ones who were concerned that going to a tiny town in Kansas with "no job" would wreck me, that I'd be miserable.

And the fact is, sometimes it indeed feels really sucky.

• Like those moments where I ask myself, "what am I even doing right now in life?" 
• Or when I'm sick and tired of washing dishes and doing laundry and setting up bank accounts and auto-payments. 
• Or the 40% of Sunday nights when Rebekah's crying, overwhelmed by her first year of teaching, wondering if this is what she should be doing, wishing for the awesomeness of Church-land to be all week for her. 
• Or when she's working 7am-11pm with only time for meals and other occasional quality time. 
• Or when I'm having to try to explain to people "what I'm doing"... i.e. what's my "job". 
• Or how I'm not able to really do anything about Peru other than check in with Adolfo. 
• Or when I feel like I'm starting over from scratch with the photography business, and don't even want to bother, but know that I should to help us get ahead financially faster. 
• Or when I'm just plain old missing people. 
• Or when I feel like I wish I was spending more time with Rebekah, doing a better job of housekeeping, doing more to earn money, and doing better/more research/study/discussions... but knowing that I can't do MORE of everything if I have nothing I want to cut back on.

So yeah, sometimes it really stinks.

And I realized that I hadn't been sharing that on the blog, I'd been blogging with a semi-deceptive agenda... somewhat treating the blog as if its purpose was to reassure people I'm doing well. And that makes me/us spend a lot of text patting ourselves on the back for things. And that's not really valid, healthy, or helpful.

So, that is not to say that the positive things we've said are fabricated. It's more just like that they are selected, and the negative things are left out. I suppose another factor in this selection is that in a public medium, it's hard to address some of the "negative" things while being sensitive to others. But we can definitely try to be more balanced and honest and representative of our whole reality in our blogging. So that's the new plan.


And autumn truly is a lovely thing, that's no lie.


UPDATE: (from TODAY) I am really not cut out for doing laundry. Forgetting to start one of the two washers I had filled, misplacing my keys and wallet that I needed to finish (it's a laundromat) part way through, forgetting to go pick up loads. I am really not cut out for doing laundry.